Rootclip

Welcome back to another fun and exciting Fungus-Ridden Postcard!

Last week, we touched upon a few basic points about Setiquette and the art of becoming a cinematic ninja. This week, I'd like to write a little bit on something even better than ninjadom.

...BEHOLD, THE FUTURE: CAPalert

Yup. There it is. Right in front of you. Destiny, in the palm of your hand; in the heart of your computer.

"Dude. This is an overly-protective movie review website admined by nuns."

Well yeah. Duh. On the OUTSIDE, so it would SEEM. But we don't judge things by their homepages, now do we?

In fact, CAP alert is exactly what you say: a site full of movie reviews, written by nuns. But behind this silly facade, there's something much more powerful: the ability to see your future, if only you know how to fit the pieces together!

I understand, you need me to explain. You're obviously quite dense not to be getting this, but it's okay, I'll work with you.

CAP Alert has a grading system by which every movie (at least the popular ones) are judged. The scale scores their "impurity" and "moral desecration." Using their patented WISDOM chart, they analyze and grade each film on its WANTON VIOLENCE/CRIME (W), IMPUDENCE/HATE (I), SEXUAL IMMORALITY (S), DRUGS/ALCOHOL (D), OFFENSE TO GOD (O), and MURDER/SUICIDE (M). Depending on how many points each category manages to KEEP (100 is perfect), the movie is presented as more admirable or less admirable in the eyes of God (or at least, this itchy old churchlady's perspective).

Now for the magical part: each of these categories ACTUALLY means something else entirely, and when checked against your favorite movies, can actually reveal important things about your future! Observe.

IF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE BEGINS WITH THE LETTER D... :
W: This is the number of years until you get married.
I: This is the number of years until your first child is born.
S: This is how much longer you'll live.
D: This is how much weight you'll gain in the next three weeks, in pounds.
O: This is how many dollars are in your wallet right now (check, you may have been robbed, or possibly reverse-pick-pocketed.)
M: This is how many times you've watched Mean Girls, even if you refuse to admit it.

Incredible! Right? So if your favorite D movie is "Delta Farce," you're actually pretty well off. But heaven help you if your favorite movie is "Dan In Real Life." (and of course, heaven won't help you, especially after your gluttonous tendencies have caused you to gain 863 pounds three weeks from now.)

If you thought that was a pretty nifty way of testing your future, try these combinations for your other favorite movies and see how they affect your fate!

IF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE BEGINS WITH A, F, K, P, U-
W: Your credit rating by next Wednesday.
I: Number of cars to hit you this week.
S: Games of Sudoku that'll stump you this year.
D: Your next golf score.
O: How much the Wii will cost in five years.
M: Your next film budget.

IF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE BEGINS WITH B, G, L, Q, V-
W: Percentage of votes your next Rootclip will get.
I: Your IQ, once they create an accurate test.
S: Number of children you'll have.
D: The year that you'll receive an Academy Award finally.
O: Your next boss's neck size, in inches.
M: Your new shoe size (you know what they say about big feet: they make booming follow-shots very difficult).

IF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE BEGINS WITH C, H, M, R, W-
W: Most games of Dr. Mario you'll ever win consecutively.
I: People dressing up as you for Halloween this year.
S: Days until you inevitably have meatloaf for dinner again.
D: How many inappropriate Hellen Keller jokes you'll crack this week.
O: Number of Vince Vaughn Christmas movies currently in production.
M: Number of Facebook notifications waiting for you.

IF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE BEGINS WITH D, I, N, S, X-
W: This is the number of years until you get married.
I: This is the number of years until your first child is born.
S: This is how much longer you'll live.
D: This is how much weight you'll gain in the next three weeks, in pounds.
O: This is how many dollars are in your wallet right now (check, you may have been robbed, or possibly reverse-pick-pocketed.) M: This is how many times you've watched Mean Girls, even if you refuse to admit it.

IF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE BEGINS WITH E, J, O, T, Y-
W: Amount of change scattered in your sofa.
I: Number of thugs waiting outside your house to beat you up.
S: Number of people who will like your next film.
D: Number of E! stories about you in your lifetime.
O: Number of hours you'll waste playing this.
M: Amount in USD Knowing will bomb at the box office.

*If your favorite movie begins with a Z, then you need to see more movies.

Your destiny lies ahead! May fate smile upon you! Until my next incredible contribution... ciao!